It's these times when you thought that people will be around to spare some of their little time with you, I feel nothing but imposing them. I know no more how to define 'sincerity'.
Nobody can be totally there for you. It's either you, yourself, me or I. Only these can withstand the blows.

It's getting harder to share thoughts with people nowadays. It's like those days when you wrap a present with multiple and multiple of wrapping papers and get ur friend's anticipation on the bay on what's inside!

Yet it's different for a human mind. As the mind wraps itself up with more and more layers, it gets cooped-up and autistic. You don't get people's anticipation and interest. Who actually opens these layers up patiently when ther's a likelihood of being endless and fruitless. There wouldnt be a surprise like the present in the papers. The mind in the papers is like or could be just an empty mystery that nobody else knows if that's really the content in it. Thoughts have the possibility of changing and escaping. The presence could just be an empty vessel; The dry could just be the wet; The laughter could just be a cry.. And it's just when presence is absence; absence is presence.

Incidents after incidents in life made myself to take a conscious effect in reminding myself..

"You just gotto rely on yourself and no one else"

Its a real belief. Even so, i dont see it as foolproof and all positive. But i've learnt..

I wouldnt wan myself to get into some kind of lost world when I suddenly realised that the support network I had all the while was illusionary. I wouldnt want to be crying just because I lost whom I thought was/were there. I wouldnt wanna realise that.. I'm being abandoned.

This internal state is evolving soo badly these months. Walked the slopes then climbing the endless stairs. Each step just gets tougher and tougher, even though i told myself.."well, nothing is gonna be harder than that few months ago and I've overcame it!". Yet I found myself sitting on one of the steps these days. Not because i'm tired but I dun wanna evolve so soon. I dun wanna grow yet. Each step just seems harder and harder. To counter the speed-space i'm living in with that stop, that sit. A faltered choice. I thought that if I dun wanna move, I will be remain at where I am now.....

But ...

It has just been found to be a virtual stop.