Friday, October 03, 2008
.when you move on too quickly..
I know it shouldnt be interfered by me in any way. That's why I didnt say anything to her. I only prompted questions to seek for a slight knowledge of what's on her mind. All I have seen was the forgotten yesterday and the embraced today. For the better or for the worst. We always say 'Move On'..but it seems like when you move on too quickly, something is wrong too.
Where's the remorse, the guilt?
Where's the sadness?
Hidden emotions..could it be? So many of us went ahead or forced ourselves to undergo the 'Numbing Therapy'. Is numbing not feeling or numbing as a mode of hiding yourself from vulnerabilities?
These days I wonder if the physical trade-in is less of a burden than emotional investments? The mindless physical loss, momentary indulgence contrary to the warmth and love, strain and tear of the mind. What an expensive empty indulgence for the former.. Note that It's so much easier to just pack and leave if it's the former.
I visualised the state of mind as a place of sand, just like a beach. With each emotional investment a pair of foot-prints on the piece of sand or maybe 2 pairs. One of yours and one of his. Yet those of physical 'trade-in' is defined as leaving no traces on the sand or have been tucked under some logs, hidden somewhere.
Adding the sea-water, as 'time'...they washed off the least penetrating emotions and leave those deeply etched emotions intact or requiring multiple washes to still leave behind a print that doesnt hurt like it used to be; just a nice imprint. The beauty of one's life is when you see many foot-prints on the sand and not when you see tract wheels' prints running across the sand. You cant even figure out whose footprints are those...too brief, too quick. Worst of all, it has become so quick that it leaves behind a piece of flat sand-land. Just imagine a vehicle moving at high speed across the sand and you will realise how different it is from the distinct foot-prints.
I would want a foot-print, wanna keep a foot-print.
It's too much to see 2 persons being once-so-close becoming strangers-like and forgotten overnight. Attention should be given to 'once-so-close'; mental intimacy and/or physical intimacy.
Still dreaming about the violent times
Still wary bout the peope I let inside.
2:27 PM
Labels: inner voices
Monday, September 01, 2008
.It's just a place..
I kinda swam it off just now. The water just felt like a piece of jelly just now where each stroke of mine just cant seem to push me forward. Guess that's what happen when you feel heavy in the mind.
That call from the clinic, supposedly as a reminder for me puts me off. I don't really wanna get acquainted to it anymore. The gloom it has with it. But I have to admit...it is psychological.
My mind was brought back and forth to scenes that I've shut them off. Over the months, I managed to cross the barrier of just standing at the counter. But now? I was told it is a must to enter the room if I wanna continue with them - those daily dosages..
And I cant childishly think that it's the place that's scary. I have to clearly attribute it as my own emotional factor. It's said that when emotions are involved, logical reasonings are gonna be hard to get across to one. But here I am, I want myself to accept things in the positive light and to embrace what is no longer there anymore, realistically. I cant get bothered with these once in every while. Thoughts are processed in 2 ways basically, one after the other. I can have those thoughts and 'memories' jumping at me rampantly, in an automatic way. But controlled processing allows me to control where and how these thoughts are gonna evolved to - for the better or for the worse.
And another fretting issue is the sudden and unexpected sum of money to pay. Well, maybe 200+ is not alot but as a student who already has the different kinds of financial commitment every month.. it's seriously infuriating that this has to appear that sudden, coz it's soo out of any of my planned expenditure.
I dont think it's gonna be very right, very matured to say that "I hate that place". Afterall, "that place" does nothing to you. The root of it? It's your own actions and if I say that I hate that place, that would mean that I cant accept my own past. Sighs. But still, it's a lil scary. Maybe just that lil. And I just almost felt like crying just now. But whats the point? In the first place, there's nothing wrong, right?
That call from the clinic, supposedly as a reminder for me puts me off. I don't really wanna get acquainted to it anymore. The gloom it has with it. But I have to admit...it is psychological.
My mind was brought back and forth to scenes that I've shut them off. Over the months, I managed to cross the barrier of just standing at the counter. But now? I was told it is a must to enter the room if I wanna continue with them - those daily dosages..
And I cant childishly think that it's the place that's scary. I have to clearly attribute it as my own emotional factor. It's said that when emotions are involved, logical reasonings are gonna be hard to get across to one. But here I am, I want myself to accept things in the positive light and to embrace what is no longer there anymore, realistically. I cant get bothered with these once in every while. Thoughts are processed in 2 ways basically, one after the other. I can have those thoughts and 'memories' jumping at me rampantly, in an automatic way. But controlled processing allows me to control where and how these thoughts are gonna evolved to - for the better or for the worse.
And another fretting issue is the sudden and unexpected sum of money to pay. Well, maybe 200+ is not alot but as a student who already has the different kinds of financial commitment every month.. it's seriously infuriating that this has to appear that sudden, coz it's soo out of any of my planned expenditure.
I dont think it's gonna be very right, very matured to say that "I hate that place". Afterall, "that place" does nothing to you. The root of it? It's your own actions and if I say that I hate that place, that would mean that I cant accept my own past. Sighs. But still, it's a lil scary. Maybe just that lil. And I just almost felt like crying just now. But whats the point? In the first place, there's nothing wrong, right?
Yupps. So im gonna face it. Be it psychologically, physically or financially.
Don't leave me in all this pain.
Don't leave me out in the rain.
6:03PM
Labels: Emo.., inner voices
Friday, August 01, 2008
.Whats more than me?
She could say more than I ever could, know ways to put things in light.
While what I've said were all ordinary and plain. I call it tasteless even to the tongue buds. Whose words make a significant impact complemented with the person's importance and status to one...the smallness made me felt like doing nothing. Nothing at all. To turn myself away so far. Run away. It could be only myself, only myself that took note of such stuff. But things dont go that way..when you dont realise, it doesnt mean that it didnt exist or haven't exist.
I've lost so much in time and perhaps not just time im losing out. Time for things around me, between each shuffling shoulders..it makes a difference. And if it has to be compensated by something else...I say and I think it's background. Background of one. And i cant even match up to that. Each time I think of the mocking sentences, it puts me in dull light. Mocking sentences do not carry the same weight when different people said it. And well, it could be imagination or wild thoughts you call it. But it's not always like this for Some things you know for sure.
I don't know if i should be happier or sadder..it's always a complex feeling. But thank god optimism has taught me to drain the unhappy, remember the happiness and think in the most positive way..
Strange. Our lifes coincide with the seasons of today.
5:30 PM
Labels: Emo.., inner voices
Monday, July 28, 2008
.Where's my Mum?
He was helpless.
The magic in his life has shattered in the most disarraying way like it puzzled me now. Who would have thought that there could be tragic in magic too?
To (have to)be fearless of the feared. To be wishful only in his own fantasies, for the slightest mercy. He pleaded in ways that nobody does. He lived with the only hopes to survive, for a better day ahead. A day with a meal is deemed as a good day to him. He had it in all ways - the corners, the mirrors, the knocks, the hits, the screams and the chores. A day with his mum dead silent on the couch is a relief to him. What happened to the angelic nature of hers? She wasn't who she used to be. It was scary; to be accepting and having to defend an angel transforming into a devil.
He is a victim yet I noted and warned that he is a kin too.
My sympathy went all way out as the images through the words flashed.
From holding hands to tears.
From blue and orange streaks across the skies to the dullest grey that one could have.
From a good boy to a 'bad boy'.
Should I wish that he had nothing to start with or to live in extreme reminsce of the past in the present? Which would be more cruel? Cruelity exerts itself in two ways. To take the best of what you ever have away or to let you never have.
The broken clock is a comfort
11:21 PM
Labels: Books, Emo.., inner voices
Sunday, July 27, 2008
.Language Speaks Status
"Stead" - One of the words that I caught from the couple who was gossiping 'bout their friends behind me. It reminds me how I thought this word was. To be describing two persons being in love and in an official relationship. No matter how I look at it...it never seems very apt.
Without looking at them, a stereotypical image floated across my mind. Perhaps one of those still in secondary school...perhaps the "hooligans" in school.
With that scenario aside, the importance of language spoken especially has been reiterated. I gladly admit that how one's culture, environment, and exposure have groomed or rather educated one to be relatively proficient in one language. With a combination of these factors, one can almost readily make a safe guess on the social status of a person. Even though we always say not to judge a book by its cover..but personally I think it's a safe gauge of the most basic status and background of one.
Like how 'Chinky-ness' has been coined upon me at the moment of utterance, different impressions are formed when one speak. Especially so, I'm talking about English. It dawned upon me that no matter how much effort u put into your most outer appearance...the 'beautiful moments' would be more than spoilt the moment you speak.
In other cases, good language can have you get away more so than someone who uses a crude one. ...given the same issue. With a different lanaguage used, the impression people have on you can (almost) flip
And we all know..good language allows one to progress MORE easily.
Enough being said..since im not in a fantastic position to talk bout language..but it jolly well serves a good reminder to me to constantly put in effort to rectify the wrongs of my language and to learn, learn and learn. I wouldn't blame anyone when they correct me..sometimes I thank them for it....despite the fact that yes..it is quite awkward at times....
Fate loves to make fun of people.
1:47AM
Labels: inner voices, Reflections
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
.The Art of Missing
Like a form of art, Missing Someone and/or something is as abstract. For the past few weeks or probably month, I gave thought to this piece of mental art. A artpiece that is installed in oneself towards the very specific.
To put it in a simpler form, it's made up of emotions. Purely emotions of urge, yearn, and perharps attached with a tinge of sadness and hopes in it. Like an incoherent blend of the positive and negative emotions. But pondering over it made me take the stand of it being more than being a mixture of complex emotions. Precisely.. it's a mixture of emotions, all the more made it an abstract art to be explained. And an art because there's no fixed ways of how you feel, no fixed ways of expressing, no fixed way of doing it, no fixed mixture of emotions.. and nothing is very fixed.
A very simple question has been questioning myself for these time. "So why then do we miss only some people and not everyone that we came across or rather..why is the extent of missing someone different?" To date, I have no better answer other than because you feel more for one than the other. But how convincing is this? I often wonder if missing someone is solely a psychologicial hypnotisation; you miss someone because the inner self has been voicing the emotional attachment you have to one and through this constant effort..it ripples a missing effect.
Or could it be the possessing of one-thing and the sudden loss of it have brought about poor adaptation and hence missing?
I asked myself alot of simple sounding questions but hard-to-answer questions. Questions which yield open-ended answer; with no faithfully right answers.
Missing..expressed in different forms. We all have the freedom to expressing this art. And perharps like Art..each time you look at it...you understand it better or even in another perspective. Missing comes in some kind of a cycle too. When you think about it at different time...it peaks at different time and subsides with understanding and acceptance.
I dunnoe how else i can explain this piece of art...but i think it is. Its quite a weird thing i say.
It's made up of different colours.
It's made up of different shades.
It's made up of different images.
It's made up of different emotions.
It's made up of different..........................................
My eyes i'm screaming for a sight of you
10:59 PM
Labels: inner voices
Sunday, July 13, 2008
.Multiplicity? That is to sound better.
That's a kind word in this case, and I have been trying to be kind.
With regards to one's personality, any sensible person would know that there is a need to understand deeper via interactions before sentencing him or her to a certain category.
To date, I have been trying to look at things in the positive light. The key is to ACT that im ignornant; to act dumb. Some people really leave me damn confused with the thoughts of which is the dominating side or rather the real personality..
And I havent been able to deal with certain situations. Somehow even if I tried to pretend I could..it still leaves a little of a shadow behind before my bed-time that day. Perharps it's the simplest emotion thats acting itself.. "Disgusted"
But it was a blessing for cheeky to be there for me, even though it's for a very short while, on very virtual visual, textual form...it was comforting enough. Amazing yea? :)
miss you..
9:47 PM
Labels: inner voices
.Waiting
The idea of waiting.
I think it requires some kind of a patience, anticipation and faith. Patience to remain as you are regardless of the time you have waited. Anticipation that you can have the desired. Faith to believe that it will appear.
Waiting is never difficult. It is difficult only when what you have waited for didnt appear..
Attributing the cause to all the external factors such as a lack of fate; the arrangement of life; the joke(s) in life. And we took turns to receive the disappointment, took turns to self-console, took turns to be understanding.
At the end of the day, such waiting(s) are just a bonafide sample of yearning and love. You can't really deny it even though at times getting used to it essentially made urself lose faith in yourself. But so much things that happened just proved urself wrong, so wrong. That in the moment, in these moments.. only he count.
You're my chocolate..
Waiting is never difficult. It is difficult only when what you have waited for didnt appear..
Attributing the cause to all the external factors such as a lack of fate; the arrangement of life; the joke(s) in life. And we took turns to receive the disappointment, took turns to self-console, took turns to be understanding.
At the end of the day, such waiting(s) are just a bonafide sample of yearning and love. You can't really deny it even though at times getting used to it essentially made urself lose faith in yourself. But so much things that happened just proved urself wrong, so wrong. That in the moment, in these moments.. only he count.
You're my chocolate..
4:52 PM
Labels: inner voices, my love :)
Thursday, July 10, 2008
.Could It be My Wish or Your Wish?
I HAD this impulse.
I HAVE this wish.
I HAVE this wish.
It's a fantasy again, I think.
But I have to admit what could be better than that? Having to spend one of those most meaningful days with someone you love. To frame up the almost impossible memories in the perfect frame. Then again, it's never impossible.
But I have to admit what could be better than that? Having to spend one of those most meaningful days with someone you love. To frame up the almost impossible memories in the perfect frame. Then again, it's never impossible.
I asked myself..."Do you think you can do it?"
The inner voices did echoed a "YES, I think I can!"
But when all other factors come in, then it seems like I have to give up the perfect frame.
I imagined myself to be standing in the middle of utter unfamiliarity..only to retract that and tell myself.."Well, it's just an imagination"
And do you know that imagination makes people excited? Or maybe..it's just me.
Hahas, but visual encounters gave a slap on the face of my imagination and impulse.
...
A tight slap.
The same old plans
1:18 AM
Labels: inner voices, my love :)
Monday, June 23, 2008
.Gems for years
Just recently, i was made to realised that how my peers especially my sistas like goey and xiang ling and buddy dote on me. They let me do things in ways I want..somehow let me make the decisions and play along with me during my cam-whoring sessions even though they are kinda reluctant.
They are understanding towards me. They dont complain about me putting my love above them sometimes. They dont even really grumble about it even though sometimes they tease me.
They are there to give me a listening ear and to advise me... etc.
Sometimes i really feel like a lil gal with the way they treat me. But I dont really think it's coz im really younger than them by months...
Goey for accompanying things i wanna do. Goey for not minding my excessive cam-whoring habit. Goey brushing off my worries and saddness with hints of relax and jokes.
Xiang for continously asking me to take care of myself, my back...must eat..etc. (though i thought it was abit ironic w the fact that she herself doesnt)
Buddy for sending his regards fr Vietnam,specially reporting his safety and thinking hard on what souvenir to get...
hahas.....i think im v blessed.
And these are only good friends...besides them...i still am blessed with so many other people..my parents...my family, my cheeky.
The 'irritating' parents who always buy me food even though i said no. Wake me up just to EAT. The nagggings and scolding that are actually care and concern.
The cheeky who hides his concern in hmph...forever cool-ness. My privatised gentle side. :) All the pampers im showered with. To call me all the way from US and to web-cam despite the fact that he's so tired at....2am...and last week..all the way till 4am. It all made me feel so baby-ied.
Everything to remind myself I'm ordinary enough to have these luck.
So willing, feeling and watching it growing
5:31 PM
Labels: Friendship, inner voices, Reflections
Friday, June 13, 2008
.Groom.Heal.Prevent.Protect.
As vanity borne the need to uphold a personal acceptable image.. we groom, prevent and protect.
As inability to tolerate manipulable pain, unhealthiness and appearance.. we groom and heal.
As issues of health and beauty get media-tised and perharps dramatised, we groom, prevent and protect.
Prevention would not require healing. Yet to prevent.. you might need some kind of protection and grooming. So in this situation (the one I have in my mind..) protection and grooming takes the same form. In the same scenario..healing is another form of prevention (the prevention of being deteriorated)
And these four are inter-related in what way or another. Changing its causal-effect relationship in different circumstances. While all this scenarios/situation and circumstances I have in mind are mainly with respect to health and beauty issues that I have in mind...Just before I slept last night...I realised how it applies aptly into another aspect of life. Perharps it's not another aspect of life but another part of me.
While it stands true to me that vanity and recent health (seen as hidden vanity to me) would require grooming, healing, protecting and preventing, the soul and mind requires the same thing but in an abstract way. A non-material way. A sweeter, heart-warming way. A metaphorical way.
Ever felt that someone's words to you is a form of grooming? The elevation of confidence and radiance in yourself. The assurance that you are of certain calibre and attributes. The unseen and embedded confidence that drills deep down into your soul that probably works better than materialistic kind of grooming.
Ever felt that someone's voice and presence is a form of healing to your soul? No matter how desperate and crush you become..at the end of the day, the soul recovers all because of the smallest smallest thing that 'this medication' gives. To the soul, it's the best medication in town. A broken soul, a soul possibly on the verge of being lost and empty yet just that dose of medication..it heals.
Ever felt that by having someone being there, it prevents you from falling into the darkest hole in life? Or perharps prevent from falling deeper..
Ever felt protected because you have the presence and hugs from someone? Be it the subtle embrace from just having someone beside you or the warm and tight security you yield from lovely hugs..perharps perharps it's psychological or simply just the courage that someone gives you that when you feel braver, you felt protected.
I felt these.
But i only realised how the soul is experiencing the same thing as the appearance and health(as in the same four words) just before I sleep last night. I almost forgot I derived this thought since i got it in sleepiness *Amazing. Just in a split second..
All the things that I could go "out-of-tune"
* on a sidenote, the network installer guy for the interview room 2 is damn irritating. I haven met a weirder kind than this so far in SERI...i'm not so dumb to give you my private hp no. Hellos.. i'm 20-to-be soon...not like a little gal that you can con. Very lame excuse. Looks like I shall ignore your call on Mon..since I dont think the company needs your service now. ZZZz. Yet I don't know of a better way to reject the very lame excuse. Shall avoid for the time being.
As inability to tolerate manipulable pain, unhealthiness and appearance.. we groom and heal.
As issues of health and beauty get media-tised and perharps dramatised, we groom, prevent and protect.
Prevention would not require healing. Yet to prevent.. you might need some kind of protection and grooming. So in this situation (the one I have in my mind..) protection and grooming takes the same form. In the same scenario..healing is another form of prevention (the prevention of being deteriorated)
And these four are inter-related in what way or another. Changing its causal-effect relationship in different circumstances. While all this scenarios/situation and circumstances I have in mind are mainly with respect to health and beauty issues that I have in mind...Just before I slept last night...I realised how it applies aptly into another aspect of life. Perharps it's not another aspect of life but another part of me.
While it stands true to me that vanity and recent health (seen as hidden vanity to me) would require grooming, healing, protecting and preventing, the soul and mind requires the same thing but in an abstract way. A non-material way. A sweeter, heart-warming way. A metaphorical way.
Ever felt that someone's words to you is a form of grooming? The elevation of confidence and radiance in yourself. The assurance that you are of certain calibre and attributes. The unseen and embedded confidence that drills deep down into your soul that probably works better than materialistic kind of grooming.
Ever felt that someone's voice and presence is a form of healing to your soul? No matter how desperate and crush you become..at the end of the day, the soul recovers all because of the smallest smallest thing that 'this medication' gives. To the soul, it's the best medication in town. A broken soul, a soul possibly on the verge of being lost and empty yet just that dose of medication..it heals.
Ever felt that by having someone being there, it prevents you from falling into the darkest hole in life? Or perharps prevent from falling deeper..
Ever felt protected because you have the presence and hugs from someone? Be it the subtle embrace from just having someone beside you or the warm and tight security you yield from lovely hugs..perharps perharps it's psychological or simply just the courage that someone gives you that when you feel braver, you felt protected.
I felt these.
But i only realised how the soul is experiencing the same thing as the appearance and health(as in the same four words) just before I sleep last night. I almost forgot I derived this thought since i got it in sleepiness *Amazing. Just in a split second..
All the things that I could go "out-of-tune"
* on a sidenote, the network installer guy for the interview room 2 is damn irritating. I haven met a weirder kind than this so far in SERI...i'm not so dumb to give you my private hp no. Hellos.. i'm 20-to-be soon...not like a little gal that you can con. Very lame excuse. Looks like I shall ignore your call on Mon..since I dont think the company needs your service now. ZZZz. Yet I don't know of a better way to reject the very lame excuse. Shall avoid for the time being.
4:41 PM
Labels: inner voices
Thursday, May 29, 2008
.Formalities
All of a sudden, i wished that my world was dispensed with formalities.
Formalities include close adherance to so-called courtesy and respect that made expressions, words, attires and behavior so restricted to a certain category, way and style.
What's so true with all this socially-coerced characteristics?
How sincere can a simple 'Thank You' be?
How sincere is a 'Please', 'Kindly'?
Have these become part of the staple words that the society uses?
The one who doesnt use it is deemed to be a deviant of this realistic culture..
Who actually seriously give a thought to these words when they use it?
But it seems very clearly that for the society to function well and proper, it has to be so cold, to be lacking in genuine humane sincerity.... Where were the times when people really work together, establish real concrete relationships and give their appreciation geniunely and request a favour whole-heartedly?
Then it dawned on me that home is where im dispensed from the formalities. A very huge mercy for me. At home, nobody expects anybody to behave in a certain way. We are just like this. Some people think it's disrespect that we dont even greet each other when we reach home. But on my part, greeting feels sooo distant so much so that it imposes an informal 'superior-subordinate' barrier.
Rather, I appreciate more when we crap bout anything, ask simple questions like 'where did you go?!', 'how come u're so late today', 'eaten'? Chat with each other when we really feel like it. Laugh together and at each other. I suddenly recall the times when dad laughs geniunely and remarked on how cute our actions or expressions are.. (my sis and i). Times when you give them allowances....they smiled like they were happier than when they receive their own pay and say 'Thank you' with untainted sincerity that sometimes gives me goosebumps and i'll 'shoo' them off. Whatever it is, all these aint formailities and informalities seem more genuine.
Thinking bout my family, i got a kind of home-sick feeling now. I hardly seen my parents for more than like half an hour for the past few weeks. I'm occupied from Mon-Sun since i started working. Somehow or rather, i always wonder out after work...reach home semi-late, and see their souls glued to the tv. While I joined them in the watching sometimes..i still do my own things like bathing then online in my own room. The next thing i know is that everyone else is sleeping and the house is in pitch darkness.. Finally today im gonna head home straight after work..dropping my plans of recree or shop or workout on a Thurs.
And suddenly...
I miss the days when i saw Dad spreading the bread for us for us to eat the next morning.
I miss the days when I mischievously spend time at the corridor to tidy up the plants and cut off any stalk of the plant that im not happy with along with Dad. And like any other lazy kid, i throw those stalks that i've cut on the floor while the poor dad picks them up. Times when i shout for him when i discovered a catapillar. hahas.
I miss the days when I cooked with mum..like at least once or twice a week. I love to cook with her so much. Flip the vegs, stir fried the garlics, etc
I miss the days when I sat just outside the toilet watching mum doing the laundries..
I miss the days when we go shopping as a family..in a supermarket, etc.
I miss the days when the 3 sisters fought and argued, it felt so much closer then.
BUT? These were the scenes 10 years ago, or more..
Things you do when you were young.
The only existing and important: kinship.
* I know i sidetracked alot. But it's everything on my mind now.
The creations of growth
5:48 PM
Labels: Family, inner voices
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The 3rd Time, Game
i'm back in SERI for the third time. It's pretty unbelievable. I never thought that I would be back again this holiday. From being an admin assistant that seriously does nonsense stuff to HR for bout a week. And then to finance the last holiday. This holiday..im taking over the Admin Executive position. Working so far has been quite slack. hahas.
Game
. It's getting clearer that life is a game. A game of winning or losing, bounded by deceiving non-obligatory rules. Why does it feel like it's almost preset for most things, like a videogame? Exactly how much control can we have? Just that it seems to be one with more varitaions, in terms of the types and numbers of obstacles you have to go through. Some really have a better life. While some often are not as lucky. We have to work doubly hard to acheive the same thing. And i often wonder..as much as we say its up to us to determine our own destiny that follows fate..is there still a 'hidden fate'? As in..if u choose and try to enforce ur destiny to be A...there is already a fixed consequence and that is the hidden fate. i.e. Fate A can lead to Fate B,C,D or E depending on what u have choose to do. In this sense..fate and destiny seems undistinguishable in this game of life.
Then again life is never entirely unfair but ther's always other small good things around, like the small little rewards we have in the midst of a game.
It may not be as rewarding as the typical acheivements in 'that game' but those who have the big things wont have the small...which makes life..
dont be afraid. lil gal..u'll be fine. :)
12:47 PM
Labels: Family, inner voices, Work
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
What Hurts The Most. Rascal Flatts
what happens when you got so much to say but ur fingers and ur lips just wont do the talking.. ?
its weird. Just like when u're entering a place. You put one step in and just as you're really going in, you step out again.
so much like a self-confinement but it really warms the heart and opens it a lil to see someone relentlessly trying..and i did break into a smile. Still wondering what i was doing..
Angel of Mercy.
1:29 PM
Labels: inner voices, Media
Sunday, April 20, 2008
You Just Gotto Remind yourself
It's these times when you thought that people will be around to spare some of their little time with you, I feel nothing but imposing them. I know no more how to define 'sincerity'.
Nobody can be totally there for you. It's either you, yourself, me or I. Only these can withstand the blows.
It's getting harder to share thoughts with people nowadays. It's like those days when you wrap a present with multiple and multiple of wrapping papers and get ur friend's anticipation on the bay on what's inside!
Yet it's different for a human mind. As the mind wraps itself up with more and more layers, it gets cooped-up and autistic. You don't get people's anticipation and interest. Who actually opens these layers up patiently when ther's a likelihood of being endless and fruitless. There wouldnt be a surprise like the present in the papers. The mind in the papers is like or could be just an empty mystery that nobody else knows if that's really the content in it. Thoughts have the possibility of changing and escaping. The presence could just be an empty vessel; The dry could just be the wet; The laughter could just be a cry.. And it's just when presence is absence; absence is presence.
Incidents after incidents in life made myself to take a conscious effect in reminding myself..
"You just gotto rely on yourself and no one else"
Nobody can be totally there for you. It's either you, yourself, me or I. Only these can withstand the blows.
It's getting harder to share thoughts with people nowadays. It's like those days when you wrap a present with multiple and multiple of wrapping papers and get ur friend's anticipation on the bay on what's inside!
Yet it's different for a human mind. As the mind wraps itself up with more and more layers, it gets cooped-up and autistic. You don't get people's anticipation and interest. Who actually opens these layers up patiently when ther's a likelihood of being endless and fruitless. There wouldnt be a surprise like the present in the papers. The mind in the papers is like or could be just an empty mystery that nobody else knows if that's really the content in it. Thoughts have the possibility of changing and escaping. The presence could just be an empty vessel; The dry could just be the wet; The laughter could just be a cry.. And it's just when presence is absence; absence is presence.
Incidents after incidents in life made myself to take a conscious effect in reminding myself..
"You just gotto rely on yourself and no one else"
Its a real belief. Even so, i dont see it as foolproof and all positive. But i've learnt..
I wouldnt wan myself to get into some kind of lost world when I suddenly realised that the support network I had all the while was illusionary. I wouldnt want to be crying just because I lost whom I thought was/were there. I wouldnt wanna realise that.. I'm being abandoned.
This internal state is evolving soo badly these months. Walked the slopes then climbing the endless stairs. Each step just gets tougher and tougher, even though i told myself.."well, nothing is gonna be harder than that few months ago and I've overcame it!". Yet I found myself sitting on one of the steps these days. Not because i'm tired but I dun wanna evolve so soon. I dun wanna grow yet. Each step just seems harder and harder. To counter the speed-space i'm living in with that stop, that sit. A faltered choice. I thought that if I dun wanna move, I will be remain at where I am now.....
But ...
It has just been found to be a virtual stop.
It has just been found to be a virtual stop.
aww, what's with that phrase?
2:06 PM
Labels: inner voices, Myself, Ordeal-Erd.pty
Friday, March 28, 2008
Audience, Actor
when someone else i love gets on the social stage, me as a receiver.. i feel heartaches.
I became an audience who doesnt know how to applause. I cant focus on my own things too.
In that play i cant help wondering the real emotions played in the actor's mind.
haven got any actor around me that could affect me like this for some time. The time an audience is worried bout the actor.
i wished i was the scriptwriter.
if there was one.
2:10 PM
Labels: Emo.., inner voices, my love :)
Monday, March 03, 2008
If i really wanna know..
Each answer a bite in the heart.
And, each bite in the heart is a crave for an answer.
Perharps i shouldnt
1:05 am
Labels: Emo.., inner voices, Sour
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
SLOW, LATE THOUGHTS
Late nights again.. and i cant sleep ;(... seems to be heavy on tots again. Amongst all the other shit things i've to do.
Why is it that its always during late night when everything is motionless and resting that thoughts run especially far and ..wild?
Goey was right..as we age, we tend to think 'bout things that we don't in the past. Things which seems to be unnecessary yet expedient. Somehow it adds meaning to our life more than ever.
The phrase this sista gave me "have u ever lost someone u love n wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time u thought they wld be here forever? If so, then u know u can go ur whole life collecting days, n none will outweigh the one u wish u had back" a few weeks ago..i bear it in mind.
People I talked to, I met, I observed crossed my mind.
Yet sometimes and mostly recently the line between friends and acquaintances became clearer than the past. Few can really cross the line of being an acquaintance. As it is, as much as you think you are friends, its discouraging to find that..actually you were just accquaintances. Discouraging because its upsetting that its an social illusion again ;( Seems like i had quite enough of such illusory friendships. People behave too differently in different settings. People interact for self-benefits.
I asked myself, is there a need to make such a distinction? My answer? Yes, I need to. I would rather use words like coursemates for the sake of sounding better. If i need to take extra efforts to remember a person's name and don't communicate beyond school's crap, dont understand each other or even merely remember the most superficial appearance..i don't see why he/she is a friend to be.
Maybe its an emotional barrier to step across and to bare your hearts and stories to someone. The conflict is then how sure am i that this is not another acquaintance who would take your story away with no value. Thats why old friends and good friends have elevated themselves in my importance list. I dun wanna lost any..any......it take years of foundation.
With them, i can be so sure that I'll still be so connected even if we don't speak for months. I guesss thats the different between true, good friends and acquaintances. It must be.
An invisible rope?
4:15 am
Labels: Friendship, inner voices
Thursday, February 21, 2008
UNFAMILIARITIES IN FAMILIARITIES
UNFAMILIARITIES IN FAMILIARITIES
Its how weird that how things, people and places that we are familiar with in our everyday lives can become something distanced. Finding a tinge of unfamiliarity in a setting you are familiar with is damn weird. And often, i think its saddening if you think bout it.
In that house, you know exactly where's the kitchen, toilets, which room is whose.
In that room, you know exactly where to get what you want, and have the autonomy to perharps use whatever you want without the need of asking like what other outsiders need to.
On that road, you walked feeling full of control, not having the fear of heading towards the wrong direction.
And the sense of familiarities is sometimes reinforced when you become part of a host and start answering ppl's qns,of 'where', 'how', 'what, 'who', ''can i" ?
It then occured to me that no matter how familiarised you are w something, it can easily be part of the past. A part and parcel of life i guess. But its always awful to find that someone else is in better control and more aware than you whats going on.
The worst thing is you are still familiar w the same old stuff yet you become unfamiliar because you've lost the old rights to show that u're familiar w it. Familiarity then can only reside in the pathetic mental self. With people implicitly flaunting their familiarities with the place and control. ...I think i hate these situations.
and who knows...before I know it, its another familiarity to be unfamiliarised. Another heart and place to be distanced with. To embrace and say, i was familiar w this BEFORE.
*hahas.
its just past,present,future
2:38 AM
Labels: inner voices, Past Relationship
Friday, February 01, 2008
PIECES OF PUZZLE
PIECES OF PUZZLE
Ever wished that you were part of the story in his/her past. Wished that you were there to witness the whole process, the emotions involved, to see for yourself how things were like back then. Then only you can understand the whole story thoroughly and hopefully be a better company of ur loved ones.
No matter how many times you have heard the story, you never felt it's complete. You know, there's lotsa loopholes here and there. Of course one can argue..you don't have to know everything but it's just the curiosity mind at work.
Small little puzzles constitute to the whole of one's life, thats the whole picture, the completed puzzle. And in each puzzle, different elaborate images are printed on it. And in fact, each of this puzzle is unique. Regardless is the little stars, with dazzles or without, different shading of the sky, different parts of the main character in the puzzle and so on. It's these small little pieces, all different come together to form one big picture.
I can never be in every piece of your puzzle, anyone else's puzzle. Yet I do still hope that ther's traces of that star in every puzzle. Its stupid, i know! *hahas.
As I was saying, simply listening to the story(ies) make one feel that its never complete. You can listen to it once, twice,ten times yet it wun flow as nicely. Esp so when someone recounts his past to u. They minus away the forgotten, the unnecessary, the avoided, the maybe not...whats left is bits of story with gapS. And when these are revealed to you in other ways, coupled with visual aids, sweet language (be it body,sign or words), they hit you like its the present not the past. of coz, only for that like split second moment or...slightly longer.
would you wanna know or would you rather be ignorant bout it?
2:32 PM
Labels: Emo.., inner voices, Sour
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