Complexity in Simplicity

Friday, May 30, 2008

Must be the Fruits of Labour

sighs. Not happy with the harvest at all, even though it's not downright disappointment..but i've sunk into a state of dullness.

While some of the fruits turned out to be better than expected, i wished that there were some improvements.. :(

Looks like it will get harder and harder to improve over the next few cycles..

A knock on my head*, it's time to put in more effort and stop fooling around. Set focuses right, if not i will never climb if this goes on.

Yet, reflections at the back of my mind have admitted that 'well, you reap exactly what you sow'. Even though this may not be true always, but to some extent and mostly it is.

alrights. I shall stop complaining already coz essentially it's bout myself...

eek.

The ladder gets longer..and longer.

3.45 PM

Labels: Uni-

doodled at Friday, May 30, 2008 by koon | Doodlelink | 2 Comments

Thursday, May 29, 2008

.Formalities

All of a sudden, i wished that my world was dispensed with formalities.

Formalities include close adherance to so-called courtesy and respect that made expressions, words, attires and behavior so restricted to a certain category, way and style.

What's so true with all this socially-coerced characteristics?

How sincere can a simple 'Thank You' be?

How sincere is a 'Please', 'Kindly'?

Have these become part of the staple words that the society uses?

The one who doesnt use it is deemed to be a deviant of this realistic culture..

Who actually seriously give a thought to these words when they use it?

But it seems very clearly that for the society to function well and proper, it has to be so cold, to be lacking in genuine humane sincerity.... Where were the times when people really work together, establish real concrete relationships and give their appreciation geniunely and request a favour whole-heartedly?

Then it dawned on me that home is where im dispensed from the formalities. A very huge mercy for me. At home, nobody expects anybody to behave in a certain way. We are just like this. Some people think it's disrespect that we dont even greet each other when we reach home. But on my part, greeting feels sooo distant so much so that it imposes an informal 'superior-subordinate' barrier.

Rather, I appreciate more when we crap bout anything, ask simple questions like 'where did you go?!', 'how come u're so late today', 'eaten'? Chat with each other when we really feel like it. Laugh together and at each other. I suddenly recall the times when dad laughs geniunely and remarked on how cute our actions or expressions are.. (my sis and i). Times when you give them allowances....they smiled like they were happier than when they receive their own pay and say 'Thank you' with untainted sincerity that sometimes gives me goosebumps and i'll 'shoo' them off. Whatever it is, all these aint formailities and informalities seem more genuine.

Thinking bout my family, i got a kind of home-sick feeling now. I hardly seen my parents for more than like half an hour for the past few weeks. I'm occupied from Mon-Sun since i started working. Somehow or rather, i always wonder out after work...reach home semi-late, and see their souls glued to the tv. While I joined them in the watching sometimes..i still do my own things like bathing then online in my own room. The next thing i know is that everyone else is sleeping and the house is in pitch darkness.. Finally today im gonna head home straight after work..dropping my plans of recree or shop or workout on a Thurs.

And suddenly...

I miss the days when i saw Dad spreading the bread for us for us to eat the next morning.

I miss the days when I mischievously spend time at the corridor to tidy up the plants and cut off any stalk of the plant that im not happy with along with Dad. And like any other lazy kid, i throw those stalks that i've cut on the floor while the poor dad picks them up. Times when i shout for him when i discovered a catapillar. hahas.

I miss the days when I cooked with mum..like at least once or twice a week. I love to cook with her so much. Flip the vegs, stir fried the garlics, etc

I miss the days when I sat just outside the toilet watching mum doing the laundries..

I miss the days when we go shopping as a family..in a supermarket, etc.

I miss the days when the 3 sisters fought and argued, it felt so much closer then.

BUT? These were the scenes 10 years ago, or more..

Things you do when you were young.

The only existing and important: kinship.

* I know i sidetracked alot. But it's everything on my mind now.

The creations of growth

5:48 PM

Labels: Family, inner voices

doodled at Thursday, May 29, 2008 by koon | Doodlelink | 0 Comments

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

.dialogue

Taken on 14 may 08

" wait for the uncle to go up first"

"message me when u reach home okae?"

All the very familiar words.

To recall, I used to think that maybe it's just for a start that he'll always leave only after i sent him a msg. But even until now..peering through the windows of my room or from the kitchen, i still see the car there with the blinking headlights before departing upon receiving my msg. . :)

Falling in love is easy,

Falling deeply in love is not.

To get out, it takes more than what it takes to fall deeply.

12.24 PM

Labels: my love :), Sweet

doodled at Wednesday, May 28, 2008 by koon | Doodlelink | 2 Comments

Saturday, May 24, 2008

My Humble House

not that humble`

16-May-08

I saw his efforts. Although it wasnt literally seeing it. Saw him fretting over where to bring me for the 8th month celebration, the last anniversary celebration before he flies off in June.

With the choice of 2 different Humble House, we went for the posher and darker one at the corner.. i was astonished when i stepped into the place and saw the real poshed ambience..

Followed the small bridge-like pathway were furnitures that resembles the home of a dracula especially the chairs that are like those seen on flims of castle..to me at least.

Home of The Count

And the menu was so artistic! The pages were tied together with strings and almost every page has an unique painting.

Complimentary bread and chips before our orders..with their special sauce..:D

Fatal Stares.

Guess the Green Tea Dumpling is really the highlight of the day. I would expect the Green tea to be in part of the filling of the dumpling but apparently i was wrong. Instead of immersing itself into the fresh fillings, it stands out as a coating of the Dumplings. Subtle sweetness in the dumplings! Really love it! Highly recommended! The nicest dumplings I've ever tried :D Oh and coincidentally, there were EIGHT of them..

Taste WAY BEYOND how it looks!

Savouring ;p

The Hot and Sour Soup came up next. A very thick and rich taste that aint too sour nor hot. Unique enough. And it comes in a small-enough portion to let you yearn for more..

All that i have

The next favourite of the day is the Olive fried Rice. "Wow" I let out in a very surprising tone as I didnt expect it would be THAT nice! Normally im not a fan of fried rice but seriously..that was damn good. The fragrance of the rice with the light sweetness of the olive with appropriate amount of ingredients in it. it's just marvellous!

Indeed.

Seafood in the bait basket...the most chinese style amongst all the others..and the least fav of all. Ironically..it is the most expensive one. BUt the fact that the scallops and prawns were huge, fresh and to the extent of being spongey makes it quite a good deal.

burnt on the face.

Another side.

Vampire lost in Comtemplation

Evil enough

To where he belongs

That's not all

I'm still so small as a person

Lips of a Devil.

12.50 pm

But sadly, i ruined all my own perfect moments at the end of it. I left the great heartbroken and disappointed. I wished i was a bigger person too. But im just so small. I failed to be all that I myself or he would wish I can be. If anyone would know, i hate being like this. As far as i know, its not catharsis..

Through the conversation with him, it strucked me.. leaving me in the wonders of the definition of treasuring and happiness. Coz i lost the meaning of it somewhere when i thought i really did.. (Like I thought i never treasured someone/ something so much before and havent felt so happy for so long despite a semi-rocky month. ) But when i realised these were being denied by a crucial someone that all you have been believing is not true, i dont know how else i can do it if i thought that was my best.. It seems like when ur definition of certain things doesnt match, no matter how what, to the other one...you are always not doing it. Leaving me with 3 options: 1. Dont Care, continue the way I am. 2. Give up, why continue trying? 3. Try harder..

I just cant lose myself in this anymore. im getting from bad to worst..worst to disastrous...

But the good thing now is..I've found the strength again..to move on..whether it's move on to fight or to move on back to my world.. im beginning to regain bits and bits of strength to fight on, though slow, to remain in a world that doesnt belongs to me at all..

And I know a million apologies wouldnt help.
I should maybe just shut.
Think twice and thrice before u speak, koon.
Yes. And that would make me even slower than usual..

Anyway. important thing is lesson learnt.

I really did appreciate all the 3 celebrations, be it simple, casual, efforts or extravagance.. if anyone believes.. Let's fight on. That's my optimistic fighting spirit ( just that i took too many rest..). Strong again! Somehow I always manage to stand up again!:))

Labels: Anniversary, Extravagance/Fine-Dining, my love :), Ordeal-Erd.pty

doodled at Saturday, May 24, 2008 by koon | Doodlelink | 8 Comments

Thursday, May 22, 2008

The Beats Get Lesser

Clarice is leaving on friday and that makes today(21 May 08) her last day of dance with us in these 2+ months. Sighs. One by one is leaving...ther's only 5 of us left when she's gone.. One of our best dancers and crazy woman like me. Dancing in darkness is so cool.. :D

Oh and some recent choreography just match SO perfectly. Beautiful.

Clarice, ShiYa, Koon, Catherine, Annie

using mirror reflection~~

Popping, Lyrical,etc?

4:51 PM

Labels: Dance

doodled at Thursday, May 22, 2008 by koon | Doodlelink | 3 Comments

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Nursery and Babies

One of my colleagues gave birth today and despite not being very familiar with her, i dropped by with Jooyi and Samantha to visit her. I stood one side looking at the baby in those carriages..she's really adorable. Fidgeting with her eyes closed and displaying all sortas expression. You know how it feels like when you see a baby? Sometimes it's more than just thinking...' >.< so cute!'

Wrapped tightly with a pink towel like a small little parcel..i felt the happiness of hers and her husband. And then the whole narration of the labour process...apparently giving birth is not simply 'push harder'. I think its freaking nerve-racking especially for the first baby of one. But to most parents, the warmth and happiness as the fruits are so worth it. While of course Ive heard many whining about the loss of personal freedom and rest. Poor thing in a sense.

Sensed the nostalgia when i saw the nursery coz its like those i saw on the TV. For the first time I got to overlook the glasses and look at carriages and carriages of babies in pink and blue towels.. Woo. Cute little dolls. :P

And i often wonder........................................

Sometimes i just cant help it but creep into a corner..

5:20 PM

Labels: Reflections

doodled at Wednesday, May 21, 2008 by koon | Doodlelink | 2 Comments

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Mary Jane - The Click 5

very addicted to this song since long before exams.. I love the arrangement and the lyrics in it! :)

I didn't cry the day you moved away

I didn't think that I could feel this pain

Until I saw the stranger that was you

Whatever happened to our innocence

And the somethin' that you said about being friends

Tell me how

Help me say the words out loud

Could it be

That nothings gonna change

Cause time has got a way of taking back

Everything you thought you had

Can you see

The girl .. you used to be

The one I lost when I let go of you

Oh whatever happened to Mary jane

Ooh oohOoh ooh

I need to wake up from this state of mind

The situation is the same kind

I gotta get your memory out of my head

Would you catch me if I had to fall

Would you even find the time for that at all

Tell me how

Help me say the words out loud

Could it be

That nothings gonna change

Time has got a way of taking back

Everything you thought you had

Can you see

The girl.. you used to be

The one I lost when I let go of you

Oh whatever happened to Mary jane

Ooh oohOoh ooh

Cause time has taken back

Everything I thought we had

Mary Jane..

Could it be

Nothings gonna change

Cause time has got a way of taking back

Everything you thought you had

Can you see

The girl .. you used to be

The one I lost when I let go of you

Oh whatever happened to Mary jane

Ooh ooh Oh

whatever happened to

Ooh ooh Mary jane

setting up teleconferencing can be so satisfying (for the first time) ;p

5:07 PM

Labels: Media

doodled at Tuesday, May 20, 2008 by koon | Doodlelink | 4 Comments

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Effort Marks the Month

- Not by extravagance but by effort on the actual day.

I was sprinkled with a very pleasant surprise last night. Even I myself can't really believe it and I estimated that i was stunned for almost half a minute.

It is the first time.

The first time, the first time...

I still have the scene so clearly playing in my mind. .. ....

Just after dance lesson, i saw a message that was very different from what I would have expected or usually received. It was a message with the tag 'urgent' to it. Asking me to call him back immediately after my dance as he has something important to ask me. I didnt know what could be soo urgent that would require immediate attention. And a weird thing was...the question asked later on could actually be asked over messages. Well, then i thought to myself 'perharps, he's at that place..'

Then my last question was "Where are you"...somehow i sensed a hesitating reply .."outside". And as usual, i dont probe more into it if i sensed that someone else is not willling to reveal.

Nevertheless, somewhat instinct strucked me.from the moment i stepped out of the dance studio. It feels as if someone is out there waiting for me...

But voices running in my mind said that.."no, it cant't be. He's just not that-kind-of-guy". I stepped into the lift and inside the lift, i was still expecting something. I visioned someone standing right in front of the entrance before tbe lift smiling to me. But again, before the lift opens, voices reminded myself "expectations breed disappointment(s), so it's better not to expect anything". I know clearly that not expecting brings about appreciation and enchantment.

Indeed, there was nobody outside the entrance. But the instinct or the telepathic waves seem to be too strong to totally shelf it aside.

I walked out of the door..stood there for a while and turned my head left (instead of walking towards the right which was supposed to be the way back home)....and guess what... my instinct was right afterall! hahas..i stared at him for a while...then suddenly turned my head to the right to see if my dance friends were ahead.. hahas.

Despite the instinct..it was really a great surprise. Pretty well-planned that i didnt sensed at all fr the start..(i think afternoon?) . Because you dont have it often, it's so enchanted.

How i wish i have a internal recording system that ensures that this whole scene never fades at all...to keep it as it is.

'Effort'

yes..for the past one month, if not for what he said yesterday..i probably haven't realised that indeed effort didnt just mark for just that one day. It marked this whole month. The month when he has to consciously take the effort to make sure things work.. and i have to take the effort to fight on, to tell myself i can do it..to not give up on impulse or irrationally.

Effort..a simple word yet i think it's so appropriate..coz that's what makes this month much much different from the previous others..

how sweet.. :D

12:34 PM

Labels: Anniversary, happy, Indelible memories, my love :), Sweet

doodled at Thursday, May 15, 2008 by koon | Doodlelink | 9 Comments

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The 3rd Time, Game

i'm back in SERI for the third time. It's pretty unbelievable. I never thought that I would be back again this holiday. From being an admin assistant that seriously does nonsense stuff to HR for bout a week. And then to finance the last holiday. This holiday..im taking over the Admin Executive position. Working so far has been quite slack. hahas.

Game

. It's getting clearer that life is a game. A game of winning or losing, bounded by deceiving non-obligatory rules. Why does it feel like it's almost preset for most things, like a videogame? Exactly how much control can we have? Just that it seems to be one with more varitaions, in terms of the types and numbers of obstacles you have to go through. Some really have a better life. While some often are not as lucky. We have to work doubly hard to acheive the same thing. And i often wonder..as much as we say its up to us to determine our own destiny that follows fate..is there still a 'hidden fate'? As in..if u choose and try to enforce ur destiny to be A...there is already a fixed consequence and that is the hidden fate. i.e. Fate A can lead to Fate B,C,D or E depending on what u have choose to do. In this sense..fate and destiny seems undistinguishable in this game of life.

Then again life is never entirely unfair but ther's always other small good things around, like the small little rewards we have in the midst of a game.

It may not be as rewarding as the typical acheivements in 'that game' but those who have the big things wont have the small...which makes life..

dont be afraid. lil gal..u'll be fine. :)

12:47 PM

Labels: Family, inner voices, Work

doodled at Tuesday, May 13, 2008 by koon | Doodlelink | 5 Comments

Monday, May 12, 2008

Post-Exams LIFE!, Outback Steakhouse

Yea. Finally getting a proper life these days and this will probably last me for about three months. Now i can watch tv, play, shop, dance, sleep without much worries. I haven been dancing without feeling carefree for a couple of weeks. Finally enjoying it like mad on wed :))

I got myself into a shopping spree mood these days. I cant help it but tell myself 'i wanna buy things!" Its both the conscious and sub-conscious at work. And bad habit i have is ..if im unhappy...i spend even more when im out. Sometimes it feels like it's spending for the sake of spending.

9 May 08 (Friday) - Outback Steakhouse

It has been quite a while that cheeky had this cravinng if I didnt remember it wrongly. For sure it was before exams..so that makes it at least 3 weeks. Every dish in that menu looks nice to me. The sides, the main..etc.

And this place...sits across Candy Empire in Millenia Walk.

Red & blaCK

Bloomin' Typhoon (Typhoon Tornado)

Yummie onions. ahahas.. yes..these are in fact onions. And i seriously think this is an expensive plate of onions. And this alone is enough to stuff us to more than semi-full, i think.

Alice Spring Chicken

Bacons, Mushrooms, Cheese and the Spring chicken served with honey mustard..one of those best combinations. Wahahas. And i made cheeky ate almost 3/4 of it, without him knowing it. That's funny. Coz at the end of it..he realises he's so full yet im feeling...okae. hahas.

Attempt of Artistic shot

I think i have a fetish for taking shots w lamps. Weird huhs.

Freedom begins!

And we begin taking pics. LOtsa funny pics but i choose to show only the presentable one. heehees.

And since my lovely cheeky dont wanna treat this as an early celebration for the 8th month..i deemed it as a dinner for post exam and also for overcoming ordeal part 1! :)

Same or different?

12:53 PM

Labels: Anniversary, Extravagance/Fine-Dining, happy, my love :)

doodled at Monday, May 12, 2008 by koon | Doodlelink | 7 Comments

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Shattered Trust

How can you ever be sure that your secret will be safe in someone elses hand? You put so much trust and ease into believing that they will guard it for you as promised.

Yet things just happen and it further proves my point that there's no one else besides myself. ..

No one to trust entirely like myself.
No one that i should rely on except myself.
No one to bear the responsibility except myself.
No one can understand except myself.

Another reminder that...in this world there's only me for myself.

speechless

1:39 AM

Labels: enraged

doodled at Sunday, May 11, 2008 by koon | Doodlelink | 2 Comments

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

distracted..

It looks like no matter how many times I've gone through this cycle, i will still experience this kind of ecstatic feeling, yet feeling worry that i cant finish studying because of 'mental distractions' on the eve of last paper (at the same time!)....

yes. the kind of feeling on the eve of freedom.. Major exams used to be once a year...now it becomes twice a year if i only count final papers..

Like my mind is scattered all over the place...happily...yet guilty. hahas

i'll have my hugs tml!

9:00 PM

Labels: Uni-

doodled at Tuesday, May 06, 2008 by koon | Doodlelink | 1 Comments

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Retrogradation

"Through unrestrained pornography, there is a return to the body, which is a lost body. This obscene body is not a body to come, it's a lost body. It's the equivalent of a cadaver, putting to death of the body. I admit it bothers me profoundly. What shocks me in pornography is that in it, boredom is weeping. There are the tears of boredom, not those of pleasure. " - Paul Virillio

Oh great. how interesting literatures..

The distraction of distraction.
The enthusiasm of boredom.

2:03 PM

Labels: Uni-

doodled at Sunday, May 04, 2008 by koon | Doodlelink | 0 Comments

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Along Red Dot..

arghs. I'm so drained from studying now. Stats stats and stats....Similar yet different.Kinda Confusing..zzzZ. Feeling heavy in the head and giddy.. :(
__________________________________________________

No more meeting along Red Dot. :(

A piece of beautiful memory still and it shall be kept, be locked. :)

Remember those nights when u drop him a msg once you're done with dance? Then you will rush off to do ur washing-ups. And not to forget to check the msgs replied, normally its.. "ok, give me 5 mins" or something like that.

When you are done, minimising the stickiness, stinkiness..using your prepared perfume, comb, towels, etc..you walked out of Red Dot past Artery and the security counter to find that..'phew, he's not here yet!'

You start to walk up and down that lane, recalling your dance steps.. while waiting for a familiar figure to appear.. There were other times when you just stood or sat there..feeling like a jelly from dance. Sometimes, you think about other issues in life. Sometimes you simply were mindless yet eagerly waiting for the star's appearance.

Until..that familiar figure..with the all-too-familiar way of walking, build and hair appears from the corner of Red Dot. Many of the times, if he's carrying something...it's his new game! When you see him, you often wonder if you should walk towards him as well or just stand where you are but that often feels weird..

And from there, we will continue walking towards the station. Sometimes i receive complains of being stinky or sticky...hahas. He's always making fun of me.Then the next thing he does is displaying his so-called forte of "biting the bullet"... And familiar questions of "what u wanna eat?" , insisting that I should eat especially after dance.

The memories along Red Dot in these 7 months plus. :) - one of those building blocks.

Simple yet was one of those important ones

Sweet Surrender

12:09 AM

Labels: Indelible memories, my love :)

doodled at Thursday, May 01, 2008 by koon | Doodlelink | 2 Comments